Anita Moorjani described in Dying to Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing how she was cured of cancer and is now living her life from a radically different place after her NDE experience. She realized that all she needed to do was to “be myself, without judgment or feeling that I was flawed.” Being able to accept herself, just as she is, would have been impossible prior to her transformation. But once she let go of the need to live, her personal experience, not just her intellectual understanding of things, was radically different. ‘I also used to believe that I wasn’t spiritual enough and needed to work harder in that area. Then I discovered that we’re all spiritual, regardless of what we do or believe. We can’t be anything else, because that’s who we are—spiritual beings.”

There have been times when I have truly experienced myself as a spiritual being. But those times are infrequent. Most of the time I come from a place where I am judging myself and others and feeling that I am flawed or defending against the fear that I am flawed. When I am experiencing my best self I do not feel that way. I am happy with the All, Everything, including “Myself.” Those are the best times, times when there is so sense of separation or comparison, better or worse. But there are many times when I am attempting to control circumstances, or my behavior, to achieve what I believe will be the best outcome. Regardless of what the universe is throwing my way.

Anita discovered that she had been living her life by focusing too much on other people, their needs and their opinions. This has been important to me as well but just as often, if not more often, I focus on what I want and need and then attempt to influence the situation to justify and achieve that position. Recently I have realized the importance of accepting everything with equanimity and allowing what unfolds. But that doesn’t come easy for an old school control freak.

To me this helps explain why folks who deeply consider the role of cancer in their lives see that there is a direct connection to fear. Anita explains that she got cancer because of fear. For me there is an underlying fear that if I just let go and surrender to the experiences I am granted in this life, I will be unsafe and perhaps even in danger. There is a deeply felt need to be careful and feel in control. Some explain this as the role of the ego. Psychologically I understand some of my need to be right and in charge as due to my conditioning from my early childhood environment and the fear of preventing past traumas and insults from reoccurring. Being right and in control in my home was something I felt was necessary. I have attempted through psychotherapy and other means to release some of the need to feel in control but those habits die hard.

Anita discovered a means by which she could return to her experience of trust, even in challenging times: “I discovered that if I take time out and reclaim my center, regardless of what people around me think, many of the primary stumbling blocks disappear once I’m aware of my connection to the Whole and feeling calm and happy. I receive a lot of clarity during those sessions, and purely by staying centered, many of the remaining challenges just fall away.” She learned a powerful truth: “I’ve learned to trust the wisdom of my infinite self. I know that I—along with everyone else—am a powerful, magnificent, unconditionally loved, and loving force.”

Meditation has become increasing important to me. As I meditate not just as a spiritual practice but as a way of living life, I find it easier to focus less on differences and be critical of others, but I find that it still happens plenty. That is when it is important to remember the tool of conscious forgiveness. Conscious forgiveness involves accepting completely what is – the feelings, emotions, thoughts and body sensations and then letting them go along with harsh judgments of myself and others, apologizing in person or in consciousness for feeling separate and judgmental and recognizing that separation and differences are illusory. In the state of Oneness there is no experience of separation, difference, or reason for criticality or judgment. There is peace and acceptance and gratitude and love. And no fear.