Anita Moorjani described in Dying to Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing how she was cured of cancer and is now living her life from a radically different place after her NDE experience. She realized that all she needed to do was to “be myself, without judgment or feeling that I was flawed.” Being able to accept herself, just as she is, would have been impossible prior to her transformation. But once she let go of the need to live, her personal experience, not just her intellectual understanding of things, was radically different. ‘I also used to believe that I wasn’t spiritual enough and needed to work harder in that area. Then I discovered that we’re all spiritual, regardless of what we do or believe. We can’t be anything else, because that’s who we are—spiritual beings.”

There have been times when I have truly experienced myself as a spiritual being. But those times are infrequent. Most of the time I come from a place where I am judging myself and others and feeling that I am flawed or defending against the fear that I am flawed. When I am experiencing my best self I do not feel that way. I am happy with the All, Everything, including “Myself.” Those are the best times, times when there is so sense of separation or comparison, better or worse. But there are many times when I am attempting to control circumstances, or my behavior, to achieve what I believe will be the best outcome. Regardless of what the universe is throwing my way.

Anita discovered that she had been living her life by focusing too much on other people, their needs and their opinions. This has been important to me as well but just as often, if not more often, I focus on what I want and need and then attempt to influence the situation to justify and achieve that position. Recently I have realized the importance of accepting everything with equanimity and allowing what unfolds. But that doesn’t come easy for an old school control freak.

To me this helps explain why folks who deeply consider the role of cancer in their lives see that there is a direct connection to fear. Anita explains that she got cancer because of fear. For me there is an underlying fear that if I just let go and surrender to the experiences I am granted in this life, I will be unsafe and perhaps even in danger. There is a deeply felt need to be careful and feel in control. Some explain this as the role of the ego. Psychologically I understand some of my need to be right and in charge as due to my conditioning from my early childhood environment and the fear of preventing past traumas and insults from reoccurring. Being right and in control in my home was something I felt was necessary. I have attempted through psychotherapy and other means to release some of the need to feel in control but those habits die hard.

Anita discovered a means by which she could return to her experience of trust, even in challenging times: “I discovered that if I take time out and reclaim my center, regardless of what people around me think, many of the primary stumbling blocks disappear once I’m aware of my connection to the Whole and feeling calm and happy. I receive a lot of clarity during those sessions, and purely by staying centered, many of the remaining challenges just fall away.” She learned a powerful truth: “I’ve learned to trust the wisdom of my infinite self. I know that I—along with everyone else—am a powerful, magnificent, unconditionally loved, and loving force.”

Meditation has become increasing important to me. As I meditate not just as a spiritual practice but as a way of living life, I find it easier to focus less on differences and be critical of others, but I find that it still happens plenty. That is when it is important to remember the tool of conscious forgiveness. Conscious forgiveness involves accepting completely what is – the feelings, emotions, thoughts and body sensations and then letting them go along with harsh judgments of myself and others, apologizing in person or in consciousness for feeling separate and judgmental and recognizing that separation and differences are illusory. In the state of Oneness there is no experience of separation, difference, or reason for criticality or judgment. There is peace and acceptance and gratitude and love. And no fear.

How could cancer be a spiritual experience? Well, I’ve read a number of statements from folks who have said that cancer was the best thing that happened to them. It was transformative, turned their life around. A most transformative experience with cancer is detailed in Anita Moorjani’s Dying to Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing. Ms. Moorjani is an ethic Indian, born in Indonesia and living in Hong Kong. She was diagnosed with cancer, tried alternative treatments and nearly died. She describes her Near Death Experience (NDE) and the choice she made to come back and it was truly transformative of her illness and her being in the world.

There were a number of revelations that Anita discovered in this amazing process that are meaningful to me especially as I consider the role of cancer in my life. I am still processing them but wanted to share the statements that spoke to me with the hope that I will be able to better articulate what and how this makes sense at this point in my life. Anita’s advice about what to take from her experience: “I would only suggest that you follow what feels right for you and resonates with you personally.”

When she was first diagnosed, Anita “tried hypnotherapy, meditated, prayed, chanted mantras, and took Chinese herbal remedies. Finally, I quit my freelance work and traveled to India to follow the healing system of ayurveda, I spent a total of six months in India, and during that time, I finally felt as though I was regaining my health. My yoga master put me through a grueling regimen. I had to follow a very specific diet of vegetarian food and herbal remedies, along with a routine of yoga asanas (poses) at sunrise and sunset.” She felt she was improving as there was support for all of these healing modalities in the context of her attempt to heal her body. When she returned to Hong Kong to be with family and friends, however, she reverted back to the dynamics of that environment and found herself putting the needs and feelings of everyone else before her own.

Very quickly her health began failing and she soon reached a crisis where organ systems were failing and family was gathering to respond to her critical need. As it appeared that she was dying, her being in the world shifted and she began to experience what was unfolding in a very different way:

“I could feel my attachment recede as I began to know that everything was perfect and going according to plan. As my emotions were being drawn away from my surroundings, I started to notice how I was continuing to expand to fill every space, until there was no separation between me and everything else. I encompassed—no, became—everything and everyone.

“I felt a sense of freedom and liberation that I’d never experienced in my physical life before. I can only describe this as the combination of a sense of joy mixed with a generous sprinkling of jubilation and happiness. It stemmed from being released from my sick and dying body, a feeling of jubilant emancipation from all the pain that my illness had caused me.

“It seems as though our five senses limit us to focus only on one point in time at any given moment, and we string these together to create an illusion of linear reality. Our physicality also limits our perception of the space around us, confining us to only what our eyes and ears can see and hear or to what we can touch, smell, or taste. However, without the limitations of my body, I took in all points of time and space as they pertained to me, all at once.

“And then I was overwhelmed by the realization that God isn’t a being, but a state of being…and I was now that state of being!

“I understood that I owed it to myself, to everyone I met, and to life itself to always be an expression of my own unique essence.

“My many fears and my great power had manifested as this disease. It was then that I understood that my body is only a reflection of my internal state. If my inner self were aware of its greatness and connection with All-that-is, my body would soon reflect that and heal rapidly.

“To access this state of allowing, the only thing I had to do was be myself! I realized that all those years, all I ever had to do was be myself, without judgment or feeling that I was flawed. At the same time, I understood that at the core, our essence is made of pure love. We are pure love—every single one of us. How can we not be, if we come from the Whole and return to it? I knew that realizing this meant never being afraid of who we are. Therefore, being love and being our true self is one and the same thing!”

More to follow.

Emily has asked our family to read Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End by Atul Gawande before Christmas so that we might have some meaningful conversations during our time together over the holidays. The first third of the book is about how our culture is ill-equipped to handle the challenges that aging brings. After that the author starts talking about dealing with cancer and how we don’t handle that well either. A study found that 73% of doctors overestimated the time that a terminal patient will live, by 513%! No one has given me a prognosis and given our decision to live in the present I have used that as my measure. There has been some discomfort due to side effects which have cleared with the equally uncomfortable steroids but otherwise I have not suffered significantly. I realized that I was thinking that I have been implicitly assuming that I had years remaining as a result. But what if it was only months? My choices of how to spend my time would surely be affected. Consistently when patients realize that they are terminal they choose to spend more time with family and loved ones. This is true for me as well.

 
I likely will get a scan in early January. This will provide me with knowledge about how the treatment has helped and where I stand with respect to the tumors. I have been imagining that depending upon what I learn I could be making some decisions about how to spend the rest of my time.

 
Son-in-law Ryan wrote me in response to a blog post:

 
“On https://blog.stewartpsychologists.com/?page_id=100 you write “What activities bring me energy and joy?” but don’t really answer — at least there — the question directly. I’d be curious what those things are and if I can do more of them with you. I’ve often thought about going to get a beer being a nice thing for us to do together, though you mention in another place that you “consume more alcohol than is probably optimal.” If you are clear on what other activities are joyful and energy-giving that we can do when we get together as a family or otherwise, let me know what they are.

It’s a good question for us all to be asking and trying to answer. I think that playing music, being in the wilderness, having good conversations with close friends or small groups of folks and reading are some of mine. Sometimes cooking, but it’s not always something I prioritize. I get a lot of energy from writing and sharing what I’ve written with folks but definitely don’t prioritize that much either.”

Ryan has stimulated me to think more about what activities bring me energy and joy. And I hope to spend more of my time engaged in them regardless of what I learn from the scan.

A person’s desire to live has to come from the deepest core of his or her being, and it has to be unquestioning. The unwavering conviction is “Yes! I want to keep living.” The cancer diagnosis can be a wake-up call to the fact that they may not be very excited about one or more aspects of their lives, whether it be their careers, romantic relationships, family lives, spiritual lives, communities, or hobbies. The diagnosis forces one to reflect of what they would ideally like to change to make their remaining time of this planet—however long that may be—as enjoyable and meaningful as possible.

Turner cites several studies that show us that not focusing on dying, and instead focusing on other things—such as your reasons for living—may actually help you survive cancer longer, reduce your chances of a recurrence, and give you fewer side effects. On the other hand, being depressed and not finding strong reasons for living may cause you to die sooner. Studies of those who have a “fighting spirit” have not been shown to help cancer patients live longer. Meanwhile, having strong reasons for living involves focusing on things that bring a person meaning and joy, and this actually turns off the fight-or-flight response, which in turn tells the body to release a slew of immune-boosting hormones, such as serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins.

Although I am not completely unafraid of death, my reasons to continue to life are strong and as such overshadow the existing fear. Of course since we are just beginning this treatment and depending on the results I may have to confront this issue much more intimately in the future. For now, it’s quite easy to list a host of reasons that underlie my desire to live. Asking myself not just do I want to stay alive but why, what else would I still like to experience in this life. What activities bring me energy and joy? Even if we never achieve all our life goals, simply having them allows us to keep pulling invigoration life-force energy into our bodies.

Turner was sensitive to how her readers could react to the idea of physical healing due to one’s connection to a deeper (or higher) energy. Rather than label this as “God” or “Chi” she chose to describe it as “spiritual energy” which she allowed could be translated to “deep, peaceful energy” if preferred. Turner’s survivors and alternative healers describe spiritual energy as something they feel simultaneously as both a physical sensation and an intense emotion. It is typically described as a feeling of warm, peaceful energy that flows downward from head to toe, coating both the physical and emotional bodies with a blanket of deep peace and unconditional love. People describe this spiritual energy as “unconditional, universal love” which when experienced erases the sense of separateness and instead one feels merged with everyone and everything. Radical Remission survivors describe it as “the deepest love there is.”

One idea came up repeated in Turner’s research, that humans are primarily spiritual beings having a temporary, physical experience in a body. If you believe that we are only physical organisms, then you would only look for physical treatments. But if you believe the spiritual energy inside physical bodies needs just as much care as the physical bodies, then you will look beyond just the physical. Turner found among her survivors that while some may be lucky enough to experience an instant flood of spiritual energy, most of us have to work up to it slowly with regular, committed practice. There are many studies that demonstrate the efficacy of meditating on a regular basis. The fact that Karen and I have been doing so for some time now is definitely a strength as we negotiate the needs and demands of this journey.

We feel surrounded by friends and loved ones, spiritual beings whom we have gotten to know and love through Quaker circles, mediation practice or by sharing intimate connections at different times in our past. Most if not all would agree that some form of spiritual practice is critical for emotional and spiritual health but for physical healing as well. Being able to continue such practice, open to physical healing, is an important part of my treatment.

The support of others is perhaps never more vital than when we are sick. This allows you to feel cared for in very practical ways especially when you can’t take care of things as you did when you were healthy. When we are surrounded by loved ones the feeling of being loved releases a flood of potent hormones into our bloodstreams which helps the body heal itself. Some people are surprised by the love effecting them so but others were surprised by the amount of love unexpectedly showered upon them, not only by close friends and family but also by long-lost friends or sometimes even people they barely knew. Dane Silva, a kahuna healer from Hawaii sees love as a high-frequency energy that helps the sick person clear out any energetic blockages and restore balance to his or her bodily systems.

Studies have demonstrated that having social connections is more beneficial than exercise, diet or even drinking and smoking. A person with a cancer diagnosis with strong social connections is likely to significantly lengthen their survival time by an average of 25 percent. Joining support groups, either in person or online, connects you with others who are going through similar emotional and physical challenges. There is tremendous benefit to feeling like you are not going through your cancer experience alone. Some people can do this with just family and friends providing support but others really need others who know from their own experience what it is like.

One survivor put it this way, “Cancer was one of the best experience of my life. I learned so much, including one of the major ways I said no to life. I learned that people love. People love to love. It’s inherent in our DNA. They look for opportunities to give but reciprocity requires that there is a receiver for that love to flow. So, I learned how to receive love.” We are blessed by having a strong and vibrant community of family and friends from present to past and from near to far. The Caring Bridge site has been a wonderful way to stay in touch along the way and getting together for a walk, or coffee or getting an encouraging email has been a life savior. I’m deeply grateful for being held by those who love me.

Positive emotions significant boost the immune response and clinical studies have demonstrated that people who have an overall positive attitude live longer than those who don’t. When we feel happy and loving, we feel better, and our social and work relationships improve. Turner’s survivors work diligently to find ways of increasing the amount of love, joy, and happiness they feel in the present moment.

One alternative healer recommended sending love directly to the cancer cells. “Once you’re beginning to feel comfortable about non-resistance [to your cancer], your second step would be more and more of an intended feeling of love directed visually [toward your cancer].” Rather than strengthening the cancer, this approach focuses on reducing the conflict within, which can help rehabilitate the cancer cells. Deliberately appreciating the present moment and experiencing gratitude is like a dose of happiness that can become one of the most important “medicines” you can take.

It is important to realize that you do not need to feel happy all day, every day. But especially on the most difficult days it is good to find something to lift your spirits. There is definitely a tendency during this traumatic, unpredictable cancer journey to feel helplessness and despair. Purposely trying to do things each day that might bring you some amount of happiness or joy. As I can often feel more like Eyore than Tigger, it would be important to me to do what I can to facilitate the inner smile by getting in touch with gratitude and be more active in spending time with friends doing what brings joy.

Many of Turner’s survivors as well as alternative healers believe that illness is a blockage on either the physical, emotional, or spiritual level of our beings. This varies from one individual to the next but the goal is the same: identify the blockage, figure out where it came from, and release it fully. One survivor stated that “wherever the cancer is, it represents a kind of resentment you’re holding….So, I did what I call “release work.””

Releasing fear was by far the most common emotion that survivors felt needed release. One survivor tells other cancer patients to surrender, “to be at peace with dying and be at peace with living. And the more that you can bring the body into neutrality, the greater chance you’ll have of healing.” A well-known alternative practitioner said “uncertainty seems to be a very key aspect—people who can stay in the present and not project fear into the future [do better]. So, if you can deal with uncertainty about the cancer by staying in the present, then that seems to be the ticket. From a remission standpoint, it seems to then cause the body to relax. The body relaxes, gets more oxygen, more oxygen means the cell has a better chance, and then you’ll fall in line.”

I am aware that I carry stress in ways that are second nature for me. Resentments from the past, frustrations when I don’t get my way, and the need to be right contribute to a tensing, self-protective defensiveness that clearly needs releasing. To the degree that I am not in the fight or flight stress response I am more open to healing. To this end I commit to consciously practice forgiveness (of self and others) and make use of tools from my meditation training to release those blockages that may have contributed to my current health crisis.